Current mood:

amused

Sparkle Motion Picture
 I'd never given much thought to how I would die - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

 I stared without breathing across the long expanse of the square, into the dark hormonal void of the fangirls, and they screamed hysterically back at me. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at their wild, vapid eyes. How could I have had the terrible misfortune to arrive in Forks Leicester Square at the same moment as Robert Patterson Schmoopypsychofluffybunnykins Edward?

 But terrified as I  was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you free tickets to a premiere, it's not reasonable to grieve because you're dressed up like a twerp and likely to be lynched before you make it anywhere near the cinema.

My soulmate, my partner, my Edward, if you will, was already inside. With my ticket.

 Dress vampish, he'd whispered in a voice like velvet. Be there at six-thirty.

 I'd obeyed without thought for the icy December night in a black corset, black skirt and black fishnets. As I tottered from the tube to the square, I was unaware of what awaited. Only the demented shrieking alerted me to the fact that this was no ordinary premiere. The crowds rose up like a wall, and the first inkling of just what I had let myself in for hit me.

 I carefully crept around the crowd to the entrance and stood shivering. Eventually, a security guard, not confusing my corpse-white pallor with the ivory-white gleam of say, an ordinary girl from Phoenix who is in no way super-special, took pity on me and shooed me through with a confounding cry of ask for Maltese Joe!

Head down, teeth gritted, I ran the gauntlet through the red carpet to the cinema, and crashed inside. At last a security guard came down from that muppet my beloved other half (without whom I just could not live) and gave me my ticket. It was black, sparkly and clearly took itself very seriously indeed.

 When at last my gloriously incandescent soulmate slouched into the theatre, I gave him a frosty look.

 He reached for my hand. "Jesus! What's wrong with you?"

 I glared. "Let's think. My skin is pale white and ice cold. I'm impossibly numb-"

 His voice was full of chargin. "Sorry. I've seen anything like that before"

 "I warned you," I said. "You could have returned the favour. Next time, tell me to turn up before the celebrities."

 "I didn't think it would matter," he said. "I mean, the crowds for George Clooney weren't like that."

 "Clooney doesn't usually play a lovestruck vampire virgin."

 A silence fell beween us. His eyes were full of some emotion I couldn't comprehend.

 "Where have you been?"

 "The bar," he answered promptly, and I realised that emotion was in fact the glaze of alcohol. 

 "And how long have you been in the bar?"

 His lips twitched as he stared at the screen. "...a while..."

~*~

 Further conversation was put on hold by the arrival of the cinema's owners. In came Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, both looking appropriately terrified.

 "Bite me Edward!" shrieked a fan from the back to far too much cooing.

 "Speak to my agent later," he said dryly, which was probably not the brightest thing to say in a room full of, ah, ardent fans.

 He exited swiftly - like a man eager to go, in fact - and the film began.

What can I say? It's fairly faithful to the books, but what elevates this film from merely mediocre to so-bad-it's-good is the sheer quality and quantity of Robert Pattinson's gurning. He pulls a series of faces not unlike a bulldog with a mouth full of toffee. My personal highlight was the flashback to when Carlisle changed him, and he had a Calculon-esque scream of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 Better yet, he played Edward like a fledgling psychopath. The super-creepiness of their needy relationship was very apparent.

 The terrible dialogue is largely intact. Again, few moments will compare to Edward's urbane declaration of This is the skin of...A  KILLER beautifully juxtaposed with him ripping open his shirt and glittering in the most sissy way imaginable. You've seen those Maybelline Diamond Shine ads, right? The ones for the glisten-y lipstick? IT'S  EXACTLY  LIKE  THAT.

 Even better, every time he glitters...there's a sound effect. A shimmery, tinkling bell noise. Edward glingles, guys, he actually seriously glingles.

  I laughed. I cried (with laughter), I laughed some more. From beginning to end, it was a work of virtually unsurpassable awfulness, blemished only by a few patches of extreme dullness when nothing much happened. My boyfriend has now taken to gnawing on his own arm and gurning whenever he wants attention. Maybe if I'm really lucky he'll graduate to watching me sleep and controlling my life soon!

 I see Robert Pattinson has signed up for the sequels. Good luck, dude. Good luck. You'll never have a normal life again.

 Verdict: Like their creepy, creepy love, I thought that film would never end. See with friends. Take booze. Mock dialogue all the way home. And remember, kids! Nothing's more attractive than crying hystyerically and begging a man never to leave you. It's like their crack cocaine.